serenity

...If-only's are the regrets of yesterday, things past which we have absolutely no recourse... a quote fm aunt C. so true. so true. the feeling of sadness is back. i longed to vist again but never gotta courage, never wanna be in the situation where emotions get overwhelmed and all i could do is feel the ache and attempt to let the tears wash it away...

Its been a good term break, a few happening events that happened in a row which was very much unexpected. i guess lessons learnt made me wiser and stronger. Life is just so full of surprises, things i never thought would happened to me, happened. Love life has never been the least 'adventurous' . Whateva happened i'm glad we met, and happy to stay a distance from where we parted. It just made me realised how much Aidan weight in my heart, There has been loads of self reflections going on, from there it builds up self awareness; from which i realised the importance of time, and how i've trade it foolishly. Letting go is really a tough battle to fight with, its like every 5 steps forward and im 3 steps back after a while. ironically it took someone who's fighting for life to help me carry on with my own. such a shame. 

i have a list of thousands of 'if only..." to fill my clouded mind, with only 1 qoute from aunt C to clear it all away," but I will not let my today be hijacked by yesterday's regrets or tomorrow's anxieties.  I shall live today, now.  And live it well.  Today is God's gift to me.  That's why it is called present."

Its been 2 rough years. moving around in circles thinking maybe this time i've really moved on till the dreadful events triggered the terrible emotions and thoughts. Its been one of those rare occassions that we met again in dreams ave, so rare i could count with my fingers. I guess u know that i couldnt move on any futher which was why u came to help. Leaving me with a last kiss, you said,:"... now that i am not around, you hafta live well w/o me...." ur words pierced me in my heart then, but when i woke up i felt this unexplainable sense of peace, the kinda that i 've been lookng for. I guess i've indeed let go. Unconsciously i've been waiting for a closure like this ever since u left abruptly.Thanks for everything, my friend.

It's the May syndrome again... i hate the month of may esp towards the end. Its an unbearable month. Flactuating hormones and mood swings like a rollar coaster ride drives me and everyone esle insane...

It finally got explosive and i did something unimaginable even i couldnt believe what i did. She is indeed what i named her. I shall not apologise for my actions even though i know i am not in the right. The bottled up feelings for the longest time against her and her bloodly actions irks me to the max and tops up to the undesirable emotions i am going thru;i hadda say she deserve it. 

I just wanna be left alone this period esp away from those who are like her. my actions are jepardizing everything i have. but i couldnt be bothered with anything esle. i hate life. i hate living. i wish i could just drop dead stat. its a shame to be living and wasting oxygen taking up space in the world contributing to nothing. I wish i knoiw what;s GOd's plan for me. 

Once again i've started to pick myself up and indulge myself in a shopping spree. Sometimes retail therapy aint tt bad after all, though it kinda hurt to part from my $$$, but on the account of exchanging it with something worthwhile.. well..wat can i say?

 Anyway darl is super glad that i've decided to attempt changing my wardrobe again by adding on new fashion to it. Though happy,She's nagging away and decribing it as another phase of adding new clothes just to collect dust. Secretly we both know i have gorgeous clothes hanging in my closet which never get to see the sunlight ever since i got them off the rack from departmental stores ;not excluding bags and accessiories including shoes.  CLad in simple shirt and most of the time either shorts or 3 quarts, its hard to believe that i actually do dress up, btw i DO!, just that it happens during special occassion where i like to surprise people or keep up the image i want certain people to remember. U know who u are, its not hard to guess anyway. Btw people i hang out with dosent mind my outfit so i dun bother (thats an excuse, i know) , i'm just simply too lazy to dress up and i couldnt find a good reason to give up my sleep just to wake up early to paint my face. plus its good to look natural*. yep another excuse. fine! im lazy, full stop.

Well i guess its time for a change, though there's still a million reasons out there including the lastest one i've added on to it which prob doesnt make sense to anyone to why its good to look 'natural'*...yep but anyway right now i think its time to start living again and dress decently i mean at least looking good... obviously when i say that it doesnt mean i'm going out everyday like im on some project run way programme.   

I guess a good reason to start now is to make myself happy by looking good esp with loads of terrible hiccups that comes steadily recently. Adding colours to myself would certainly brighten up life!

Its time to start packing up old clothes for e trash bin.

Common questions and interesting answers:

Qn:Did u travel overseas for the last 7 days?

Ans: 1. sentosa considered?

        2. erm Pulau ubin?

        3. no lah neber. i only go johor

        4. last 7 days arh no lah.. yesterday have.

 Qn: What is the main concern today?

Ans: 1.hab atomy pan and omitting

        2. have been exposed by TB (Tubercolusis)

        3. high peeber,running note, copping

        4.few episodes of Loss of consciousness... (more frequent sleep)

        5. i suspect have UTI (urinary tract infection) cos have backside pain

        6. The illness haven been demolished by teh medicins you know?!

        7. I swollowed my tooth

        8. my hair are stuck together. how arh?

        9. i think i swollowed my hair. got hair in my mouth.

      10. Backside itchy

   Reasons why they should be attended first:

1. I need to work soon

2.you should see me first! im not so serious. 5mins enough just give me medication. u can take ur time to attend the more severe cases later.what kinda ridiculous system do u have?

3.i have only mild illness dun want to be infected by other serious diseases while waiting

4.i need to go home, very sleepy

5．Shouldn’t everyone be attended to immediately? This A&E we’re talking about!! Every minute is Life and death! (Main complaint: fever 1/7 temperature 37.7 )

6. Shouldn’t it be first come first serve? I paid the same amount of money!!!

Lately it seems i've been in my world too long..

e only people i meet are those i've got no choice. work and sch

I'm comfortable in my cosy world.

i've disappointed people with no replies.

i'm glad to have u vino, for everything.

Thanks for staying and showing me wats life worth living for.

Thanks xinyi for putting up with every tantrum and whining i had.

its been a blessing to have u both in my life.

it'll still take a while before leaving my cosy shell...

its the start of another brand new year. i've been someone esle for a while, long enough. Flashbacks, mood swings, memories that i held on tightly has had a foothold of me. i couldnt see past tomorrow,  deceiving myself with busy schedules didnt help. long school term break drives me nuts. i'm lost, cant wait for school term to start. Time and changes seems to be going on fast, leaving me behind, lost in time. Undeniably i should considered myself very bless in God's amazing grace. HE had bless me with strangers in the most unexpected time and place sharing answers to my heart. Moving on is easy to say, anyone can say that especially when one runs out of words to comfort someone else. its easy to convince everyone esle that i've moved on, no second questions ask with that piece of plastic on the face. in this world truth dosen matter. its not easy but it'll be better in time.

"look into my eyes, are you afraid?'

"no, i'm not scared of ya..."

familiar lines... fond memories..

still missing ya every single moment.

love ya.

we'll meet in time to come, when my duty is done.

... the dr chose the right time to get back at me

darn it...

right in front of nurses counter when the nurse manager is making some anouncement to all staff on duty... and i was standing in the middle of the crowd, right infront of sister...

he come along and.." excuse me, sister i wanna make a complaint, u have someone here who does not have intergrity. blah blah blah.. i suggest u impose a punishment of prenisolone syrup 3x a day for her..."

yeah right! now the whole world knows ... ha wateva.haha

was clearing my contact list and tts when i chanced upon a familiar pic along with a familiar email add.

That instant memories starts to flood my mind, things that i thought i've left behind few mths ago

things i thought i've decided to let go.......

things i thought would not affect me when i made the decision to let go......

all these seems like a mere deception when stream of pearls fall with an aching heart.

“wanna try how they taste like?" i asked this Dr hovering over the medicine counter while i was preparing a med for a lil one.

He look up from staring at the med bottles as if he was seriously examining each one, then replied,' eh ..its oo"

" What about Prednisolone?" i interuppted before he could finish his sentence..

".. hmm no its okay im not sick, dun need it for now.." he reliped looking at me with a weir d expression.

 "...Its one of the best tasting med over the counter.." i countinued

with a lil more persuasion,

the lil medicine cup was filled with an adequate amount of syrup which was pour down the doc's throat voluntarily.

that instant. silence, inexpressible look on the face that spells the taste of the medicine, concurrently with a colleague who witness wat happened commented," ai yoh! why u drink predni? damn bitter lah!"

yikes....

the last sentence i remember from him," Whats ur name?! oh, Serene! i'll remember u!“

lol.

Just in case you were wondering where's MARS

ANd Y Shine?

Venus is suppose to be named Sparkle

BUt!

WENDY's rational:it sounds like sparstic

Vino's comment: Do U run a cleaning company?

so that's y.! and the above mentioned were not considered till they commented.

ALL i had in mind was to give them names which has the least possibility of  anyone naming their child or probably not at all..

haha.. sounds funny ? y would anyone name their child shine or venus.

hold ya laughter.

there are!  i've been proudly introduced to them in person with their name called out upon loudly with pride.

yes back to walking shine and venus

sigh they never seemed to get along...

~The usual routine~

"time to go!"

then u see them running towards the gate

FIGHTING along the way.

till i put their leash on.

in between they fight

mini fights

like kids

i had to seprate them at each corner commanding them to sit and stay

in between?

from the corner of my eyes, venus will creep towards shine in small steps yet fast enough to get closer to him and sit at the same time when i turn to check on her.

ITs reminds me of the childhood game"MR wolf"

each time i turn to check on her, she got nearer, the last time i turn she's beside him and using her paw to smack shine's furry head, Retracting her paw fast enough and looking at me with her big round teary eyes like the way The Cat in shrek 2 would look, as if telling me, i didnt do anything, i'm am sitting and keeping still.

ha. She could pretend for once or twice. Shine wouldnt take it for long and there it goes again. the two fur balls would be tangle up together with growls and ouch! yes it does sounds like ouch in high pitch!

it took another while to settle them and we're off to the lift...

with no peace.

from the gates they fight again till the lift arrives

they fight to go into the lift

and out of the lift

till they reach the green patches which distracted them...

alas peace。。。

ha! think again..

not hard to imagine how we go home...

...

unintentionally drawn closer to people unexpected,

at the same time making enemies from the opposite side

its just another round of immature grown up game which no consent is ever needed

keeping my mind focused on the goal, ignoring whats happening

it wont be long before it ends,

Down the steps i saw you,

i'm still affected with personal issues i have no answer to

that awkward feeling surrounds me whenever we meet

there's so many burning questions in my mind about you,

yet i dun want to know or perharps not now,

feeling shallow about my reactions, still am...

and the deliberate steps to stay distant

never failed to make me feel worse on top of the negative ones i've already had

you're the last person i wanna meet and yet the one that i want to know about most

in fact, i've already know you,  not personally though

perharps its the feeling of pride which stops me from knowing the real you

and ultimately the rational of 'so what?' affirms me to abandon that thought...

It's gonna be a different experience when we meet the next time. 

I'll say 'hi.'

it'll not be for the sake of hypocritsy but at least for being courteous...

Its another session of SFTH.

The day started when i was looking for my name down the 3 pages list of names...

erm...

am i too sleepy or just blind?

i checked my schdule at least 3 times b4 and am very sure im suppose to be in for this session today.

My colleague came along and asked," wats wrong?"

told her that i cant find my name,

she tried to help me.

while doing so, her friend beside exclaimed," you, dun haf name arh?"

i was like.. -.-"

i know wat she meant, but being me,

i replied," NO! i do hafta name, just that its not in the list!"

opps!!

she blushed..  haha

i am not strong neither am i a fighter.

i am still here today because im very blessed

its been a rough year, somehow, i managed to pull through one of the toughest periods of my life.

It wasnt easy for me and the people who were around to make it possible. esp mum.

It would be a lie to say i never toyed with the idea of suicide, esp during the recovery phase

the more i push myself to move on fast, the more depress i was.

My mind was clouded with unpleasant thoughts, nothing seemed positive except for the fact that i'm well and walking.

i requested to work despite being on hospitalisation leave, took awhile before it could be finally approved.

I took on a degree just so i could be so busy i'd probably move on faster.

Life in work was a killer, sch made it easier with friends.

toxic people in work made life miserable, ha,how ironic to have them in my profession, an unresolve issue...

i'm still picking up the pieces, one by one...collecting myself back...

i am stumb by friends who use me as a yardstick to measure their strength.

i would be glad to be an encouragement to them but deep down i know im not as strong as who they see me as.

in the process of recovery, i hurt my loved ones, i've turned into a monster who terrorize their lives

its sad...

its heartbreaking to know how they see me as and how i made them feel this way

its miserable to be walking in circles thinking that i've already moved on

its feels terrible to know, only i have the choice to improve the situation and not know how

i feel burnt out

but still, i'm holding on.

God hasnt give up on me. i shouldnt too.

I'm deeply sorry for e hurt inflicted to my love ones and for enduring this terrible period with me.

to salve, yes i put up a brave front.

to my love ones im sorry...

i miss you dearie,

i miss the way you ruffle my hair

i miss the way you assure me of how i look , even though i had my make up smuge tt day.

i miss your voice

i miss the way u look at me

i miss the way u hold me in ur arms

i miss the way u tease me

i miss the conversations we had

i miss u..........

p/s I love you

probably the best gift to ever receive is to turn back time again.

i would gladly take your place

On the first day of AL,
my true love showed me to
A room full of nothing but junk.

On the second day of AL,
my true love sent to me
Two stinky dogs,
And A room full of nothing but junk

On the third day of AL,
my true love remind me of 
Three digit bills,
Two stinky dogs,
And a room full of nothing but junk.

On the fourth day of AL,
my true love sent to me
Four bloody assignments,
Three digit bills,
Two stinky dogs,
And a room full of nothing but junk

On the fifth day of AL, 
i decided to give myself                                                                                            
a break from everything!
Four bloody assignments,
Three digit bills,
Two stinky dogs,
And a room full of nothing but junk.

today i finally understood the meaning of him gone.

today i realised the traumatic events in my live has made me someone bitter

so bitter, everyone else beside me felt it.

I found out the reason for not being able to laugh heartily like wat darl decribe it to be

everyday i tried to do things that would made me feel normal, like how i was before the events.

i failed to accept the change in me.

But today will be different.

i will learn to smile genuinely again.

i will still need time to have the courage to meet his love ones.

i will have a new set of 'believes'.

Good-bye, the word i've been reluctant to say

this will not be a teary good-bye.

Good-bye Aidan. i still miss you.

i'll move on from here.

tired, sick of whining..

gonna get things done.

i need perseverance!